Before I start this I just want to say this is not an attack at breastfeeding moms at all! This is a letter to breastfeeding moms hoping it will shed a little light on how formula feeding moms feel. I have (as well as myself) several formula feeding moms and talk to many I don't personally know and I feel these are the things we struggle with the most, in a nutshell. I have been wanting to write a post about this topic and now after almost 10 months of exclusive formula feeding (son is 11 months) and deciding how to approach this topic, I finally feel like I can. Remember, This isn't an attack on anyone, please don't feel that way. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and this is mine. Having said that, if you choose to leave feedback, I ask that it is polite and respectful, even if it doesn't agree with what I say. I can only speak for my side of the story and would love someone out there who has been successful at breastfeeding to share their side in the same way. *This is a 2 part series (see bottom of post)
Dear Breastfeeding Mom,
Please understand from the beginning that I support you 100%! I am so glad that breastfeeding has worked out for you and your baby no matter if you has zero trouble from day one or if you struggled for weeks before finding success. This is simply a letter to you from the other side hoping to share how many formula feeding moms feel. Also, this letter isn't for those that feel breastfeeding is the only way to feed your child. It's not one of those letters, I'm not trying to convince anyone that one way is better than the other (Honestly, the way you feed your child that keeps them healthy is the best way, regardless of what you use).
Let me start by saying most of the time, it's not you, its me (I know, cliche right!). Personally speaking, I struggled for months within myself over how breastfeeding didn't work for us. It sucked seeing all my friends succeed at breastfeeding while I had to keep telling myself inside that I was doing the right thing for myself and my baby by giving him formula. (don't worry, I don't have some grudge against breastfeeding moms, not at all). I struggled wondering what people thought of me every time I pulled out a bottle and formula in public. Did they think I was a bad mother? That I didn't try hard enough? Were they going to come pour salt in the wound by suggesting trying something I had already thought of? (yes, most "suggestions" are just salt in the wound). All those thoughts went through my head for months. And honestly I don't know how many people, even family, really understood the battle I was having within myself over this. I kept quite, smiled and thanked those for their advice and said "We just weren't able to make it work for us but he is doing great on formula." So, like I said, most of the time, it's me, not you.
There are times that it is you thought, and I can say for myself (and a few others) the one thing that hurts the worst from breastfeeding moms is this....when you say "I understand". Not to hurt your feelings, but you don't! You succeeded at breastfeeding, I didn't. Remember the salt in the wound? That is pouring the entire shaker of salt in there. If you struggled with it then you understand struggling, you don't understand having to break down and stop altogether. You don't understand the battle within yourself about not being able to do what is considered "the most natural thing" for a mother to do. If you take anything away from this letter take this...Please don't say "I understand" to formula feeding moms. If you do ask, be a listening ear and offer support. (Honestly, the best support is simply saying..."your baby is healthy, and that is what matters". Even though I know I told myself that everyday, it's nice to hear, especially from breastfeeding moms, It shows no judgement). It isn't easy to open up to those who don't understand either, or those who have found success. There were very few (3!) people I really felt 100% comfortable with talking about my choice to formula feed. It isn't easy but with understanding on both ends, mutual respect can be earned and felt.
For those breastfeeding moms who do show support or even those with good intentions in offering advice, Thank you! I know and acknowledge your support or effort to help. Please remember though, formula feeding moms didn't come to that choice lightly, it came with much thought and time. We do not need advice on ways to try to get breastfeeding to work, what we need is support that we made the right decision for our self and our baby.
Sincerely,
A Formula Feeding Mom
*Next week I plan to write a letter to formula feeding moms! (part 2 of this series) Come back to read that one, especially if you are a formula feeding mom!!
Until Next Time....
So glad you wrote this as I'm sure it felt good to get the words out and it will help other formula feeding moms feel supported. It's so sad really; the mommy wars that go on about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. In my experience, they're as intense as the spanking vs. not spanking wars and can't we all agree, enough already!! There was a time when formula (when I was a little), was the preferred method of feeding. A time when breastfeeding was associated with being poor. My mom tells me she had lots of questions as to why she chose to breastfeed.
ReplyDeleteI can only partially relate to this as I struggled through breastfeeding 10 mos with K and 6 mos with M. My struggling involved babies who cried at the breast (so mom did too), due to reflux, and spending more on More Milk Plus supplements to increase my low supply than I would have on formula. Why did I do that? Because of the incredible amount of pressure I felt from everyone else to breastfeed! I wish society would do a better job of celebrating the jobs we do and choices we make as mothers instead of criticizing us. All the low self-esteem I struggled with in high school that I thought I had conquered came right back to the surface when I became a mother. Too much judging and too much info out there championing the "right" way is this way. While generally I feel the internet and social media has been helpful to me as a parent, in some ways, especially when I was a newbie mama, the information overload has tipped the scales to create insecurity, second-guessing, and guilt. Sometimes I just want to climb on my roof and shout, "Can't we just all get along?"
Thanks for writing this post...looking forward to reading part 2!
Blessings,
C.
cortney,
DeleteThis is exactly why I am writing this series. The incredible pressure that people put on mother's to breastfeed is almost ridiculous. I often wonder why people feel it is so much their business how someone feeds their baby, or why they think they need to tell a mother what she "should" do. Thank you for your positive comments and support! I greatly appreciate it! :)
I love this! I'm mom to 2 very bright and healthy little girls (almost 5 and almost 3) who were both exclusively formula-fed after breastfeeding did not work out at all with the first one. Looking at this now as a mom of slightly older kids, it's amazing how some of this stuff drifts away as the kids get older and you don't have to worry about who's judging you when you take the bottle out in public. I remember the hardest thing for me, after I was unable to BF my first daughter, was when people said "well at least she got some colostrum!" She didn't, actually, because my boobs really are THAT defective, but I knew they weren't trying to hurt my feelings. Know that your son is going to be 100% awesome because of how much you care, and that what he is fed doesn't make anywhere near the difference that it might seem right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! I greatly appreciate the support and totally agree...people can't look at a child and tell if they were breastfed or not! :)
DeleteAs a breastfeeding counsellor I have supported many women through the challenge of learning to breastfeed, but also the grief that comes from weaning. Whilst there are some mums who choose not the breastfeed and are very happy to formula feed, there are many mums that feel genuine grief that things did not work out.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right, it is salt in the wound to imply you did not try hard enough, or missed some key point.
I am one of the triumphant breastfeeders; sheer determination, support and fair dose of good luck saw me finally 'get it'. There is so much 'if I knew then, what I know now' that may have made my journey easier...but maybe not...
I think we put undue pressure on ourselves and overthink so much...and as you say, much of the judgement we feel comes from within.
yes, we put so much pressure on ourselves to "be that mom". Its unfortunate to live in a world that it is common for people to doubt themselves simply because others can't "agree to disagree". If only it were that simple right? Thank you for your support and sharing.
DeleteUnfortunately, some mums DO take formula feeding lightly (I've come across a lot of mums who say they formula feed or will be formula feeding because they don't like the idea of breastfeeding or that they don't want some baby hanging off their nipples - their words not mine) I think because of this some people forget that there are also a lot of formula feeding mums who wanted to breast feed and didn't succeed and unfortunately it's mostly down to lack of support :(
ReplyDeleteIt's sad to hear of these cases where mum's desperately want to bf and for whatever reason ended up using formula, and I understand the embarrassment of having to feed a bottle in public...I had recurring internal thrush when my baby was 7 months, I was in agony and after it came back a 2nd time (within weeks of getting rid of it the 1st time) and this time the drugs I had didn't work I took the hard decision to stop breast feeding and regretted it every day, I wouldn't feed my baby in public due to feeling so ashamed and embarrassed about having to give him a bottle. This time round with my 2nd child I'm still feeding at 15 months which is great but I haven't had a single non-painful feed since she was born (a missed upper lip tie causing latch issues and she was too old to have it rectified by time it was spotted). I so wish there was more support out there and more people within hospitals/health centres that had the knowledge etc. as I believe my bf journey could have been so much easier if someone had spotted the lip tie and there would be so many more people bfing if they had that support and knowledge in the early days.
However......your baby is healthy, and that is what matters :) x
Thank you for your support and for sharing! I agree that support is key to success for anything in life. Human nature thrives on being told they are doing something good. So it makes sense that breastfeeding/formula feeding support is key to mothers!
DeleteI do have to say that while I understand you saying some mothers choose to formula feed from day one, casting a "shadow" on mothers who tried but were unable to breastfeed, I have to say that it is still 100% their choice to formula feed their child from the beginning and that should be supported as well. Just as we don't want to be questioned on our journey in feeding our children, neither do they and every mother deserves equal support on this issue.
Thank you again for your comment and support!! It is greatly appreciated! :)
Thanks for this post, Amanda! Open communication helps everyone understand different view points! I did successfully nurse Naomi for 9 months but that was a hard fought battle. She was an incredibly LAZY nurser as a newborn so I was pumping and trying to nurse -- can you say exhausting?! Anyways, she weaned herself at 9 months and then I bottle fed her through 12 months.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has always encouraged me in the journey of motherhood with this thought, "We place so much weight on things that in the here-and-now seem so important but in 3 years, 18, years, 30 years, will seem such a small part of our parenting picture." You know, 400 years ago, moms did not have a choice to cloth diaper or disposable diaper; formula feed or bottle feed; co-sleep or separate rooms; epidural or natural birth, etc. We have access to information, education, vast variety of products, so I think there is a lot more weight on our shoulders as mothers to make wise decisions for our children and their well-being.
Keep on doing what your doing because your little guy is happy and healthy!
P.s. Nowhere on a college application is there a box to check if you were breastfed or not ;-)
Rachel,
DeleteThank you so much for your support and sharing! I totally agree...no college application asks such a question or requires your child was breastfed to enter their school. That should say something right there....how you can't even tell what child was or wasn't breastfed. Thank you for sharing your mom's thought...I totally agree with it!!!
I am what some would call a breastfeeding supporter. It's what I do, it's my unpaid job, I do it because I love it. BUT actually, what I HOPE I do is actually support women to do whatever it is that works out best for them and their baby. If that's formula feeding because they want to, I'll help them do that. If it's formula feeding because breastfeeding won't work, I hope that I help them with the practicalities of that, but more than anything I hope I hear them, give them space to talk, and grieve, and deal with all the emotions that come from having to make that decision. I formula fed my first baby - breastfeeding didn't work, my baby was starving, they threatened to take him back into hospital, my nipples were bleeding and cracked. I realised later that I had had terrible "help" and information. Ten years later I had another baby and got better help - that time it worked. I hope that having experienced both "sides" of the story I do better at helping mothers with whatever they decide to do, or are forced to do due to circumstances that just can't be changed. I try to never judge - you really don't know anyone's full story or experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and experience. We make the toughest decisions when we're a mum :-)